P.R.O.

Okami

If WarCraft 3 happens in WoW...
Or what would lore be like with leet speak

written by: Unknown Player

[Thrall] has come online.
[Thrall] says: What kind of queue was that?

Travel West to Kalimdor! It was not a queue, but a vision. Follow me, and I will reveal what your future holds.

Quest Objectives:
Follow The Prophet in a series of unnecessary tutorial instructions.

Thrall accepted quest: Travel West to Kalimdor!
[Thrall] says: ok
And so, Thrall followed the Prophet in a series of unnecessary tutorial instructions.
He even found a few grunts who put him on assist.
They managed to accomplish the difficult task of slaying an ogre, but they got ZERGED by the murlocs.
Thrall, being the last survivor, realized that if he died, he would fail the quest.
So, he ran and finished the last unnecessary tutorial instruction, which lead him to The Prophet and a view overlooking a stormy sea.
[Prophet] says: Now you must leave.
[Thrall] says: You're just trying to get me in a Contested Zone so you can gank me! Hey, how are you speaking to me cross-faction, anyway?! I'M REPORTING YOU, NOOB HUMAN!
Prophet chuckles at Thrall.
[Prophet] says: I am no longer a human. I rerolled as something else.
[Thrall] says: o... how do you turn into a raven, though?
[Prophet] says: It's a bug in the latest patch. You've sensed many new sploitz coming too, haven't you?
[Thrall] says: Yes. omg yesterday i was walking through arathi wen a level ?? pally ganked me and im like omg... ok so anyway i rez and i /wave and he ganks me again so OMG AND LIKE
[Prophet] says: STFU
[Thrall] says: sorry
[Prophet] says: Sorry isn't good enough. Now you must lead your people west, to the unplayed zone of Kalimdor.
[Thrall] says: ok. You run me through Wetlands, kk?
[Prophet] says: Huh?
And so, Thrall and his band of orcs constructed their outpost.
[Thrall] says: Goddammit, Grom. Where the hell are you?
[Grom] has come online.
[Thrall] says: w00t!
To [Grom]: hi
Grom is AFK: Away From Keyboard
To [Grom]:
Grom is AFK: Away From Keyboard
To [Grom]: o
Grom is AFK: Away From Keyboard
To [Grom]: ur not kidding r u?
Grom is AFK: Away From Keyboard
[Thrall] says: Ok, let's go out and explore for Grom for no apparent reason.
And so, Grom and his fellow guild members explored the zone when they came across flagged guildies of < The Alliance >.
[Arargagarorn] says: invite
[Fooooootman] says: invite u loozers
Though clearly outnumbered, the < Alliance > footmen attacked the < Horde >.
This same mistake will be repeated by The Alliance, especially in AB, for generations to come.
The Horde COMPLETELY DESTROYS the footmen.
Arargagarorn spits on Thrall.
Thrall rolls on the floor laughing at Arargagarorn.
Thrall tells Arargagarorn, NO.
So < The Horde > guildies found Thrall, who was AFK getting a pizza.
Grom has joined the raid group.
[Raid][Grom]: Hey Thrall, what's with all the newbzsz?!
Sharing quest with Grom...
Grom accepted: Travel West to Kalimdor!
The Prophet, with his speedhax, travels to Lordaeron in a cinematic sequence showing off zones that we will never get to see in WoW.
He lands in Lordaeron during a heated argument.
Despite the fact that he lands right in the middle of the room with light flooding onto him, King Terenas, guild master of < The Alliance >, was the only person who saw this.
[Terenas] says: I will not institute quarantine without screenshots, Ambassador! The people of Lordaeron have suffered enough by doing the quests in their starter zones!
Raven Form fades from Prophet.
[Prophet] says: Yet gankbait they remain, good King.
[Terenas] yells: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! WHO ARE YOU?!
[Prophet] says: Humanity is in peril! The tides of darkness have come again! The whole world stands at the brink of war! The only hope for your people is to travel west, to the forgotten zone of Kalimdor!
[Ambassador] yells: Travel west?! u n00b!! Their instances are teh suxx0rz
Terenas declines quest: Travel West to Kalimdor!
[Terenas] yells: Hold, Ambassador!
[Terenas] says: I do not know who you are or what you believe, but this is not the time for rambling nublets! It will be WE who decide what is best for our people, not you! Now, begone!
[Prophet] says: I have failed this quest once before, and I will not do so again. If you will not click Accept, I will find another who will.
The Prophet turns around into the open sunlight from which he entered.
Prophet gains Raven Form.
[Terenas] yells: HAX!
[1. General][Medivh]: Never group with Teranas hes a noob
[1. General][Medivh]: The warning has been given. Your fate is now your own.
And so, < The Blackrock Clan > was ganking lowbies in Strahnbrad and killing Civilians, resulting in many, many DKs.
This could be due to the fact that they are trying to grief the < Alliance >, or it could just be a bunch of really, really dumb players.
[Arthas] says: blessing of wiz plz
[Uther] says: Ah, Arthas. Good to see you, lad!
Arthas gains Blessing of Wisdom.
[Arthas] says: Can the formalities, Uther. I'm not king yet. It's good to see you again.
[Uther] says: Ok, that was completely rude and has taken unnecessary to a whole new level. I don't know what you were trying to achieve by being so randomly rude and I won't do the smart thing like smack you upside the head or kill you now despite the fact that you are already turning towards < The Dark Side >, but I will instead chuckle at your comment and continue our discussion like it was never destroyed by your hideous comment.
[Arthas] says: Huh?
[3. LocalDefense] Strahnbrad is under attack!
[Uther] says: Nevermind. Listen. Can you look after the defense of Strahnbrad? I won't support the smart idea like going with you to make this raid all the easier, but I will instead run around in circles to make it look like I'm actually doing something.
[Arthas] says: k
Arthas went on a 5-man group to defend Strahnbrad.
He kills all the orcs and SAVES EVERYONE.
Arthas has left the group.
Meanwhile, Blademaster attacks Uther.
Uther bubbleheals at the last moment and kills Blademaster, who then does a spirit rez to avoid corpse camping.
[Uther] yells: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Arthas comes to Uther and listens to his engaging PvP story. Arthas, despite being a low-level noob who has accomplished absolutely nothing, decides to solo Blademaster.
He found Blademaster corpse camping lowbies, and attacked him when his health was low.
Blademaster DIES.
[Arthas] yells:[Common]Y O U LO SE
[Uther] says: Arthas, you must never yell random BS cross-faction, or you shall become as vile as the orcs.
Arthas gasps.
[Arthas] says: Of course not! I will never become as vile as the orcs! Instead, I will become 100x MORE vile. I'll even become King of the Scourge and completely destroy Lordaeron, making these quests completely useless!
Uther has gone offline.
[Uther] has come online.
[Uther] says: Sorry, I got d/c'ed. Did you say something?
[Arthas] says: Nope.
[Uther] says: Good.
Meanwhile, at DALARAN...
[Prophet] says: You must be smarter than the king! Accept this quest! In The Last Guardian you Dalaranian wizards would be BLESSED by my presence!
[Antondias] says: Nope.
[Prophet] says: Then I've wasted my time here.
The Prophet gains Raven Form.
[Antondias] yells: HAX!
Jaina appears from the shadows.
[Jaina] says: I'm sorry for eavesdropping, master, but-
[Antondias] says: HOLY @#$!! Jesus. Didn't they nerf invisibility in beta? I don't recall. Since you already used one nerfed spell, I might as well teach you how to summon a Water Elemental, a spell that wasn't even in beta but should be effect of the "Conjure Water" spell. Anyway, let's continue to make this look like a serious conversation and hope that the players don't notice the Sorceress polymorphing the other Sorceress in the background.
[Jaina] says: Huh?
[Sorceress] says: Baaaa.
[Jaina] says: Oh. Well, I sensed enormous power in the Prophet. Maybe we should have accepted the quest?
[Antondias] says: Maybe, Jaina. Maybe. But it's too late for that now.
Jaina frowns.
[Antondias] says: But it's not too late to make an old man happy.
[Jaina] says: ...
Jaina gains Invisibility.
To [Jaina]: Hey, I was just JAYKAY!
Jaina is ignoring you.
Jaina got invited to Arthas's group for the "Plague?" quest.
On the way, she aggroed two ogres. She didn't do the smart thing and Frost Nova it, but she instead had her Water Elemental and her attack one.
When one ogre died, the other one ran away.
Despite this realistic event, these sort of things don't happen at all in WoW.
[Fotoman] says: We must help her!
[Arthas] says: Huh?
[Jaina] says: Jesus, Arthas, you're so incredibly dumb.
[Arthas] says: a/s/l
[Jaina] says: Huh?
[Arthas] says: Can the formalities, Jaina. I'm not king yet. It's good to see you again.
[Jaina] says: O...k... cheesy pick up lines. Not only was that a pathetic attempt, but it was also incredibly rude!
[Arthas] says: Incredibly what?
[Jaina] says: Nevermind. Let's move on.
They find Kelthuzad, leader of the < Cult of the Darned >. For some reason, certain words were censored from guild names.
[Arthas] says:what a dumb guild name
[Kelthuzad] says: RUN BEFORE THEY GANK YOU!!!
Arthas attacks Kelthuzad.
[Arthas] says: Wait, why are you poisoning the grain?
[Kelthuzad] says: So people will bother mages for food even more.
[Arthas] says: Oh.
Kelthuzad DIES.
Not because paladins may seem overpowered, but because what kind of warlock in their right mind wouldn't have their demon summoned, or spam DoTs, or wear non-greens/blues/epix?
[Kelthuzad] says: OMG I'm melting... I'm melting...! What a world... what a world...!
[Fotoman] says: Huh?
[Arthas] says: Huh?
Jaina agrees with Fotoman.
The Fellowship of the < Alliance > (*shifty glance*) runs to Hearthglen.
There are a bunch of guys carrying boomsticks running back and forth shooting at ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
[Fotoman] says: Ack! I'm shot!!
Despite the fact that they are in lines, massacring eachother, nobody really SEEMS TO NOTICE. Because of this, it isn't really a surprise that nobody noticed that all of the villagers turned green, either.
Or noticed that all the grain was purple. Or that it was being swarmed by plague flies.
[Arthas] says: Whatever.
Arthas, the only person in Hearthglen that isn't BLIND, rushes over to the purple grain being swarmed by PLAGUE FLIES.
[Arthas] says: Did you feed this to the peeps?
[Fotoman] says: Yep.
[Arthas] says: U #*!@ING NOOB!!!
A couple of GREEN VILLAGERS run over to the grain and transform into SEXY BEASTS.
[Sorceress] says: Hey, you can build some of me now!
[Arthas] says: Can the formalities, Sorceress. I'm not king yet. It's good to see you again.
[Sorceress] says: You don't get out much, do you?
[Jaina] says: I think I'll go teleport for no apparent reason.
Arthas and his KREW survive for THIRTY MINUTES.
Uther runs in and steals the spotlight.
[Arthas] says: Uther?! What are you doing? To actually act well and make me look wooden and awful?!
[Uther] says: Yes.
[Arthas] says: Oh. Well, I'm going after Mal'ganis. See ya.
[Uther] says: Loser.
Later, the Prince meets the Prophet.
Arthas declines quest: Travel West to Kalimdor!
Prophet gains Raven Form.
[Arthas] yells: HAX!
Invisibility fades from Jaina.
[Jaina] says: He's level 60, maybe he can help us.
[Arthas] says: huh. i just never thought to ask.
[Jaina] says: Oh well.
[4. LookingForGroup][Jaina]: LFM for Live Strat PST
The heroes arrive at Stratholme...
[Arthas] says: Well, it looks like everyone ate the purple grain and turned green, so we have to kill them all.
[Uther] says: No.
[Arthas] says: Uther, as your future king, I command you to kill all the green uglies!
[Uther] yells: You are not my king yet, boy! Nor would I obey that command if you were!
Uther left the raid group.
[Uther] says: omg wtf why did u kick me out
[Arthas] says: lol

!
Uther and a bunch of GUYS ON MOUNTS realize that they don't want to run Strat with a bunch of noobs, so they run off.
Jaina follows.
[Arthas] says: Jaina?
[Jaina] says: All I ever wanted was to study.
< The Alliance > raids Live Strat.
They kill green townies that ate purple grain which was infested with plague flies, and our hero slays Mal'ganis, all the while foaming at the mouth.
Afterwards, at the burning remains of Stratholme, Jaina is confronted by the Prophet.
Meanwhile, Arthas is bragging on the forums about the server first.
Jaina declines quest: Travel West to Kalimdor!
[Jaina] says: Sheesh. Don't you get the message? Nobody wants to do this quest!
[Prophet] says: You'd think that people would listen to me more if I revealed my true identity.
Prophet gains Raven Form.
[Jaina] yells: HAX!
NOTHING HAPPENS for a while because Northrend was never added to WoW.
Eventually, Arthas returns to Lordaeron with TWO CREEPY DUDES behind him. Arthas catches a pedal and rubs his fingers on it.
The petal turns GREEN.
[Arthas] says: I'm not peeing for a while.
Arthas and his two creepy guards walk inside.
[Terenas] says: Ah, my son.
[Arthas] says: You no longer have to sacrifice for your people. You no longer have to bear the weight of your crown. I have taken care of everything.
[Terenas] says: ...k
Arthas pulls out his sword and walks up to his father.
The TWO CREEPY DUDES deal with the ONLY TWO GUARDS.
Despite being the king of all the Eastern Kingdoms, Terenas doesn't have any guards close by to him.
[Terenas] says: Arthas! What are you DOING, my son?
[Arthas] says: pwning you, noob
Arthas has defeated Terenas in a duel.
Terenas's bloody crown rolls around on the floor, and leaves a bloody stain on the floor that nobody thought to clean up for four years.
Arthas performs Cannibalize on Terenas.
You have left the guild.
You join the < The Scourge >.
[Guild][Arthas]: Hi.
[Guild][Udpwnzor]: Yo, dude.
[Guild][Kelthuzad]: omg, finally, noob! we been w8ing u.
Our hero finally gets enough gold to buy his mount after running Lordaeron several times over, and rides around with no particular goal.
He eventually meets Tichondrius, rescues the < Hidden Acolytes >, and then shows up to Andorhal with some meat wagons.
[Arthas] says: Those things are seriously gross.
Arthas and the MEAT WAGONS run around and eventually Arthas comes upon Gavinrad, a level 25 Paladin.
[Arthas] says: Time to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezszszszzzszzssz!
[Gavinrad] says:[Common]bur
Arthas attacks Gavinrad.
Gavinrad attacks Arthas.
Gavinrad tries to bubblehearth, but has forgotten completely about the Forbearance nerf.
He DIES.
[Arthas] says: Patch 1.9 sure saved a lot of lost hair.
They gank a bunch of Paladins and CC them, /spitting and /dancing on their corpses. After they got bored, they decided to run to Quel'thalas.
[Sylvanas] says:[Common] Ajre aoei fanek burin dur alake.
[Arthas] says: Huh?
Sylvanas sighs at Arthas.
Sylvanas points over yonder.
Sylvanas tells Arthas, NO.
Arthas gives Sylvanas a confused look.
[Sylvanas] says:[Common] Oeri nemba iur leka.
[Arthas] says: I can't understand anything you're saying!!
Sylvanas runs away. The Scourge destroys the High Elf Base (Blue).
[Arthas] says: That's a weird name for a base.
They burst through the gate.
This causes one of the High Elven workers to EXPLODE, for some reason.
The Scourge wipes out an entire base in seconds, and Sylvanas runs across the bridge.
Sylvanas tells everyone to retreat!
Arthas laughs at Sylvanas.
Sylvanas gives Arthas a rude gesture.
Sylvanas laughs at Arthas.
Sylvanas casts a spell, which destroys the bridge. She RUNS.
[Arthas] says: Ok... let's just walk across the lake.
[Acolyteta] says: Can't, it's full of murlocs.
[Arthas] says: Damn that woman.
< The Scourge >'s guildies once again run around randomly, but this time teleporting was frequent to make things all the more confusing.
They get some pretty crystals, and then they rally at the outskirts of Silvermoon.
[Sylvanas] says:[Common] Aeshu leker itun forma!
[Arthas] says: I wonder if Night Elves and Blood Elves will be able to talk to eachother in Burning Crusade. I bet that would be helpful.
Arthas hits Sylvanas with his horse.
Sylvanas DIES.
After that, Arthas decides to be a MAJOR PAIN IN THE ASS and ressurects Sylvanas as a banshee.
Sylvanas leaves the guild < Alliance >.
Sylvanas has joined the guild.
[Sylvanas] whispers: omg u loser why wre u ganking us all!
To [Sylvanas]: I just rerolled you.
[Sylvanas] says: Oh. Well, now that I look and sound exactly like a regular Banshee unit, how come I look like an undead elf later?
[Arthas] says: I'll tell you later.
[Sylvanas] says: I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!! Call me.
They destroy the Sunwell Guardians and ressurect Kelthuzad as a lich.
[Arthas] says: MEOW!
[Kelthuzad] says: Level 60 Ice Mage LFG.
[1. General][Kelthuzad]: LF Warlock to summon a friend will pay 2c
They raid another base, and one of the warlocks helps Kelthuzad summon one of his friends.
[Kelthuzad] says: Ok click on the portal gogogo
[Arthas] says: I know duh
[Acolick] says: it didnt work
[Arthas] says: Oops I moved
[Kelthuzad] says: U #*!&IN NOOB!!!
[Arthas] says: hey SORRY sheesh
They summon Archimonde.
[Archimonde] says: Tremble mortals, and despair. Doom has come to this world!
[Arthas] says: I don't think anyone can hear you.
[Archimonde] says: Oh. Right.
[3. LocalDefense][High Warlord Archimonde]: Tremble mortals, and despair. Doom has come to this world!
[3. LocalDefense][Stone Guard Sluht]: where
They run to Dalaran.
[Arthas] says: theres a gay circle blocking the way off
[Archimonde] says: Let this mark symbolize the first blow against the mortal world.
Archimonde completely WRECKS the place.
[Arthas] says: Is it just me, or did Strahnbrad shrink by like 50 sizes from WC3 to WoW?
[Archimonde] says: Shhhhhh.
< The Burning Legion > continues doing whatever it is they do.
Meanwhile, < The Horde > has landed on the shores of Kalimdor.
[Thrall] says: Ugh... what happened lasht night? ...hic!
Thrall looks completely smashed.
[Mrheadhntr] says: smashT!
Thrall seems to be sobering up.
[Thrall] says: Who would have known that sailing right through the Maelstrom would have resulted in crashed ships? Certainly not I.
You have joined a raid group.
[Raid][Thrall]: ok lets go find the other noobs cuz their lost
< The Horde >'s raid runs around Kalimdor like idiots, finding only 2-5 survivors of REGULAR SIZED SHIPS per ship.
On the way, they find a bunch of centaur.
[1. General][Thrall]: which ones better magram or gelkis????????
[1. General][Urmomnoob]: gelkis duh
They continue travelling after meeting a flying BARE NAKED LADY, and they meet Cairne and his MUTANT ARMY OF MAURADING BOVINES.
[Cairne] says: m000000
[Thrall] says:
[Cairne] says: Level 15 warrior LFG.
They are attacked by centaur.
The centaur DIE.
[Cairne] says: Well, my army of cows will migrate to Mulgore. But I think that the centaur will follow us because I am paranoid-delusional.
[Thrall] says: Then I am inclined to have my entire guild to help you... for some reason.
[Cairne] says: Happy cows come from Mulgore.
And so, < The Horde > and < Happy Tauren United > travel through the barrens.
[Thrall] says: Hey Cairne, how come we have to have at least two kodo survive? The Barrens are loaded with kodo.
[Cairne] says: Oh yeah? Well, Warstomp is an ability instead of a racial. What's up with that?!?!
Meanwhile, in Lordaeron...
[Tichondrius] says: How are these humans suiting you, Mannoroth, who are, incidentally, all GRAYS and millions of times smaller than you?
[Mannoroth] says: Bah! These frails newbies offer no real resistence!
[Tichondrius] says: Hey, if you look closely, you notice that there's a felstalker attacking a villager. But what you're NOT supposed to see is that the felstalker never really attacks him or looks as if he is going to. They're just put on patrol.
[Mannoroth] says: Meh, he's mine.
[Archimonde] says: And you are MINE, Mannoroth! You would do well to remember that.
[Mannoroth] says: Wow. What a weird entry. And I never said that I wasn't yours, O Sex Master the Great. I think the only reason why you're here is because Blizzard just wants a scene with all three demons together.
[Archimonde] says: Huh?
And then, in Stonetalon, after destroying a human base...
[Grom] says: Thrall, the doods hanging out in the pig farm are acting a lil funky.
[Peeon] says: ni hao
[Thrall] says: Neat.
They run around, killing HUMANS.
Despite all of this, we never really see any FEMALE ORCS.
Thrall then wonders why Garona was on magazine covers, and seeks out the Prophet for answers.
Meanwhile, Grom runs to Ashenvale because he got Thrall PO'ed for not sharing his phat lewt.
[Grom] yells: BLING BLING #*!&!!!
They CUT WOOD.
Eventually, they see a bunch of naked night elves dancing.
[Moan] says: I'm scared.
[Grom] says: Ha! Oh, this is nothing. Wait until we get Blood Elves. Then we'll see them all over Orgrimmar! Blizzard even gave us a picture of a Blood Elf in a bikini! I MEAN, HOW COOL IS THAT?!
[4. LookingForGroup][Grom]: queue up for wsg u scrubs the alliance is waitingz0rs!!!11!1!
[Moan] says: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Mannoroth] says: HOLY #*!& I'M FAT! I'M A VERY FAT GUY! IT'S GROSS! I PROBABLY SMELL BAD ALSO!
[Grom] says: iseedeadpeople
[Moan] says: These forests are haunted! My steel cannot cut through a spirit!
[Grom] says: STFU and FOAD.
[Cenarius] yells: Who dares provoke the wrath of Cenarius and the Night Elves?
[3. LocalDefense] Warsong Lumber Camp is under attack!
[3. LocalDefense] Warsong Lumber Camp is under attack!
[3. LocalDefense] Warsong Lumber Camp is under attack!
[3. LocalDefense] Warsong Lumber Camp is under attack!
[3. LocalDefense][Grunt Moan]:spam
[3. LocalDefense] Warsong Lumber Camp is under attack!
[3. LocalDefense] Warsong Lumber Camp is under attack!
[Grom] says: I'm thirsty. Let's go get a drink.
They leave their base COMPLETELY DEFENSELESS so GROM can get a DRINK.
They drink the RED WATER, and then GROM turns all CHRISTMASEY.
[Moan] says: Grom, with your skin so bright, won't you guide our raid tonight?
[Grom] says: duh
Cenarius DIES.
Meanwhile, Thrall and his orcs alongside a BUNCH OF COWS enter some sort of dungeon.
[Cairne] says: You fail your concentration check.
[Thrall] says: Huh?
There is a short anti-climatic dungeon crawling, and then we meet Jaina and Medivh.
Thrall has requested a duel.
[Medivh] yells: STOP!
Jaina has declined the duel.
Smoking Is Bad For Your Lungs

The Burning Legion has destroyed Lordaeron.
The Burning Legion has destroyed Grom.
I screwed your wife last night.
You must team up with the humans if you wish for Azeroth to be saved.

Quest Objectives
Team up with Jaina and do whatever she says.
And I mean, EVERYTHING.

Rewards
World Peace

[Thrall] says: What a crappy reward.
Later, Jaina discusses with Thrall and Cairne about how they will do their raid against the FEL ORCS.
[Jaina] says: Group 1 on O Group 2 on D and half of group 3 does mill while the other half goes for BS.
[Thrall] says: Ok.
[Jaina] says: Oh, and here's a SS. Use it on Grom and stuff.
[Cairne] says: Ok.
[Jaina] says: Alright then. Good luck... gentlemen.
Thrall brushes up against Jaina and farts loudly.
[Thrall] says: I never thought that I'd live to see the day that Blizzard actually took down the cross-faction communication barriers.
[Cairne] says: Oh they didn't. Medivh just uses a bunch of hax.
[Thrall] says: SIF, noob! I have enough hax of my own!
They run to Grom, but not before the BIG GREEN FIERY TITANS IN THE SKY let one rip.
[Jaina] says: Thrall, the sky's raining fire!
Thrall disobeyed Jaina's raid orders like any REAL HORDIE THAT KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING would do.
[Thrall] says: Stay together.
[Cairne] says: ok
Magnificently, STAYING TOGETHER kept them from getting GANKED.
Eventually, they find Grom.
[Thrall] says: Hurry! Get inside the SS before The Burning Crusade, where Blizzard made a major bug where the Blood Elves are Horde instead of Alliance!
[Grom] says: Nonsense, Thrall. The people at Blizz INTENDED for Blood Elves to be on Horde. noob.
[Thrall] says: They did this to our people... KNOWINGLY?! ARRRRGH!!!
Thrall captures Grom.
Then they take him to a FRATERNITY INITIATION.
[Grom] says: I can see clearly now, the rain has gone...
[Thrall] says: Cool. Now we must be inclined to solo Mannoroth. I have absolutely no idea why, despite the fact that I'm leader of < The Horde > and anybody would come along if I simply asked, we're going to solo him.
[Grom] says: It's more heroic that way.
[Thrall] says: More what?
They run to Ashenvale and find Mannoroth EATING.
[Mannoroth] says: I see you've brought the mighty Hellscream.
Mannoroth SPANKS Thrall and he crumbles against the wall.
[Grom] says: Why are my eyes all red?
[Mannoroth] says: There's something you don't know, Grom. My blood is coursing through your veins, and now you have AIDS!
[Grom] yells: Noooooooooooooooooooo!
Grom jumps up and slices Mannoroth's BADASS weapon in half and it gets suspended in mid-air for some reason.
Mannoroth, his gut now open, LETS ONE RIP and Grom seems to be dying from this, apparently.
[Grom] says: Thrall, the blood haze has lifted. I have freed myself.
Grom DIES.
[Thrall] says: No, you have freed all of us. Except for those of us who didn't do the stupid thing of drinking his blood in the first place. You didn't free me. Whatever. RAWR!!! Thrall receives loot: [Mannoroth's Armor]
Thrall realized that it required level 70, and Thrall wasn't going to keep paying for his account once the Blood Elves came, so he decided to hang up his armor in Orgrimmar later.
Much later.
More like 'why am I keeping this crap with me still' later.
And then, on a hill overlooking Ashenvale forest, Tyrande Whisperwind was staring into the abyss.
[Shandris] says: Pardon, Priestess, but I am terribly confused. First off, how come later in the game I have a terrible voiceover and I look like a pink version of Sylvanas Windrunner? Right now I look like a regular archer. Maybe Blizzard didn't make my model and hire my crappy voice actor until later and forgot to fix this scene?
[Tyrande] says: Perhaps. Perhaps something more.
Tyrande starts summoning Sentry.
The sentry spies on Blizzard's development and then returns to Tyrande.
[Tyrande] says: So, Blizzard also plans on making another screwup by giving the Horde Blood Elves and the Alliance Dranei, Ogres, Pandaren, or whatever the hell we get? I'm not going to keep paying for my subscription after this monstrosity comes out. Maybe we should just gank all the humans and orcs as a memoir of the things that we have accomplished in life.
[Shandris] says: I am the General of the Sentinels, yet you don't know this until you see me in Feralas, where I have yet another model and yet another voice actor. I AM IMPORTANT!
They construct a base and pretend to be Arthas as they kill a paladin.
Eventually, a bunch of WALKING DEAD THINGS eat everyone.
[Shandris] says: HEY! I'M NOT IN THIS SCENE! I AM IMPORTANT! NOW WATCH AS I STRIP NAKED AND DANCE!
[Tyrande] says: Shut up.
Archimonde and two Doom Guards appear.
They kill the two archers that are by Tyrande.
[Archimonde] says: Ah, Tyrande, it's been a long time.
Tyrande gains Shadowmeld.
[Archimonde] yells: Argh! You let her escape!
[Doomguard] says: Uh, actually, Archimonde sir, you can't move when you're shadowmel-
Archimonde KILLS him.
[Archimonde] yells: FIND HER, DAMN YOU!
The Doom Guards are suddenly forced to run back and forth repeatedly.
Archimonde hopes that they will find Tyrande this way.
They DON'T.
Tyrande meets up with many of her troops along the way of RUNNING, and then finally reaches an elven gate with a couple of ballistae.
[Tyrande] says: Shoot at the trees to the north.
[Legolaz] says: Umm... why?
[Tyrande] says: Because I said so.
The ballistae shoot at the trees.
A HYDRALISK appears.
[Hydralisk] says: Nyaargh.
[Tyrande] says: Tee-hee! Good! Okay, now that we have this UGLY THING with us, shoot down the gate because I'm too lazy to get off of my mount and open it.
They SHOOT the gate open.
Then they kill a bunch of WALKING DEAD THINGS.
[Shandris] says: Hey, we were attacked by dead things.
[Tyrande] says: Hey, me too! Let's call my hubby and we can talk to him about it.
Tyrande BLOWS A HORN.
Malfurion awakes from the Emerald Dream.
[Tyrande] says: Hi Malfy.
[Malfurion] says: Hi.
They find the DRUIDS OF THE TALON.
After that, they find the DRUIDS OF THE CLAW.
But during all of this, Tyrande CHEATS ON MALFURION.
[Maiev] says: Zzzzz.
[Tyrande] says: What kind of wardens sleep on the job?
They rescue Illidan.
This greatly upsets Malfurion.
Illidan, in an attempt to make Malfurion trust him more, BECOMES A DEMON and destroys icky undead things.
After that, he doesn't do the smart thing like return to his normal self, but he goes to Malfurion in his full-blown demon form.
[Malfurion] says: Go away.
[Illidan] says: ok
Illidan runs through a bunch of trees and ESCAPES.
And then, two days later, at a glade in Mount Hyjal...
[Tyrande] says: Have you noticed that it says that Moonglade is east of Hyjal?
[Malfurion] says: Then let's just stand around and pretend not to notice.
They STAND AROUND and pretend NOT TO NOTICE.
Eventually, Thrall and Jaina show up after a scene of them MAKING LOVE, and also pretend NOT TO NOTICE.
[Thrall] says: Thottbot says that the next quest begins here.
Raven form fades from Medivh.
[Tyrande] yells: HAX!
[Medivh] says: it's fine, learn2play. I've summoned you all here so you can work together to beat up the Burning Legion scrubs with very little to no explanation. Oh, I opened up the Dark Portal, btw.
[Malfurion] says: ...k.
[Medivh] says: Glad I got that off of my chest. Anyway. I am Medivh, the Last Guardian. You can even read the book, THE LAST GUARDIAN. You can read about me and my bottomless pit-deep facial wrinkles and the wonders of the Neverland Ran- err, Tower of Kharazan.
[Jaina] says: no
[Medivh] says: Oh well.
The screen FADES TO BLACK with very little to no explanation.
Ironically, the three races decide to group up and form a raid against the Burning Legion.
[3. LocalDefense][High Warlord Archimonde]: Hear me, night elves! The time for reckoning has come!
Tyrande looks at how to do this quest on Thottbot while Jaina gives raid instructions.
[Raid][Jaina]: Group 1 O Group 2 D Group 3 O Group 4 D Half of group 5 O half D half group 6 O half group 6 D
[Raid][Leetman]:y u nub
Leetman has left the raid.
[Raid][Jaina]:kickT
The raid completely WIPES.
Thrall, enraged, decides to be the person to give raid instructions instead.
[Raid][Thrall]: Group 1 and 2 on D, everyone else on O and STAY TOGETHER.
[Raid][Moaning]: no
Moaning separates from the rest of the raid and attempts to GANK the < Burning Legion > solo.
[Raid][Moaning]: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moaning pings the minimap.
[Raid][Moaning]: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!1
Moaning then pings the minimap repeatedly.
[Raid][Shandris]: You loser, you shouldn't have separated from the group in the first place. You effing TARD.
[Raid][Moaning]:stfu u nub no1 cares what u say
[Raid][Shandris]: I AM IMPORTANT!
[1. General][Stupidloser]: Chuck Norris lives in Hyjal.
Moaning gets booted from the raid.
[Raid][Thrall]: WTF. Group 1 & 2 you STAY on D.
[Raid][Silentasasin]: FARM
[Raid][Captainundrpnts]: group 4 go mills
[Raid][Silentasasin]: FARM
[Raid][Hordealt]: i dont want 2 d is so boring
[Raid][Silentasasin]: FARM
[Raid][Jaina]: Hordealt, STFU and go on D!!1
[Raid][Silentasasin]: FARM
Hotguy flirts with Jaina.
Hotguy flirts with Jaina.
[Raid][Silentasasin]: FARM
Eventually, after a couple hundred HOURS or so, the leaders of the raid finally convinces everyone on offense to stay together.
Miraculously, this causes them to begin WINNING.
[Raid][Tyrande]: Our side is actually winning this. I believe that the outcome of this battle may be in our favor.
[Raid][Shandris]: That's tight.
[Raid][Tyrande]: For real. And I'm going to promote this in the BIGGEST way possible.
[Raid][Tyrande]: I KNOW! I'm going to BURN MY BRA!
Archimonde approaches the Night Elf base guarding Nordrassil.
He makes everything completely EXPLODE, and the gate ruptures and explodes, also.
[Archimonde] says: OwnT
Archimonde then climbs Nordrassil and begins humping it.
Malfurion, astounded, blows on a horn and calls all the wisps to watch.
[Archimonde] says: Yyyyyeah!
[Malfurion] says: ...What?
[Archimonde] says: Hokay!
Archimonde's extremely CONFUSING AND RANDOM act causes everything to twist and turn in insanity, then completely explode.
Fortunately, it was only Archimonde, Nordassil, and the wisps that exploded.
Everyone else made a Will Save.
[Medivh] says: Its roots will heal in time - however, the night elves will never attempt to remove his skeleton (which shouldn't exist in the first place since he exploded.) I will now take my place in the legends of the past.
[Aegwynn] says: Well, wait. How are you going to do that? You were given another life to not be tainted by Sargeras, so now you're going to go commit suicide? You're The Last Guardian... and there's a Lich King being reborn. Surely there's something else to guard against?
MEANWHILE, in Azshara, Illidan suffers his very first menstrual cycle.
[Illidan] says: Betrayer. In truth, it was I who was betrayed.